almost here

It ‘s certainly a surreal time to be a Philadelphia sports fan. With countless story lines to keep the cooler talk alive and rampant during the intense summer heat, it’s almost overwhelming to keep track of what’s going on in the City of Brotherly Love. Fear not, here is a team by team (Flyers, Eagles, and Sixers coming over the next week) breakdown of what is going on for all you Philadelphia phaithful.

Phillies:

What is there to really say? At 50-30, everything in Phillie World is par for the course. Clifton Phifer Lee just finished his 3^rd consecutive shutout, finishing June with a 5-0 record and 0.21 ERA.  A resurgence in hitting from Shane Victorino and Chase Utley is a welcomed reminder of how great our batting has yet to become. To top it all off, even though the dynamic bullpen of Ryan Madson, Brad Lidge, and Jose Contretras are all currently on the DL, we are still closing out games. This is due to the combination of Bastardo and Stutes, plus the willingness of our starters to go late into the night to get W’s. Placido Polanco and Ryan Howard are virtual locks for being at the year’s All-Star game, while the Roys (Halladay and Oswalt) should be joining the pair as well. The former MVP and former World Series MVP, Rollins and Hamels respectively, have also shaken off early cobwebs to contribute in key moments of this 2011 season as well.

The real issue facing the Phillies is whether or not to go get another big bat before the trade deadline. The inconsistence of Dominic Brown and the age of Raul Ibanez might be the biggest problem standing between the Phillies and another World Series title.  The early buzz from the rumor mill is that the Phils are looking at San Diego Padres’ Ryan Ludwick, Minnesota Twins’ Michael Cuddyer, and Oakland Athletics’ Josh Willingham as viable options. That being said don’t expect any major moves. The Phillies can make some noise with pitching alone and their bats usually come alive during the post season.

With the All-Star break looming, the Phillies are sitting comfortably on top of Major League Baseball hoping to keep their moment going. With all the hype of the offseason being backed up , it’s hard not to imagine the 2011 season shaping up to be a repeat of the epic 2008 World Series Champions campaign.

NEXT: FLYERS NUCLEUS SHATTERED

As a writer blogger, I believe it’s not only important but essential to keep an open mind when refining your creative craft. Exploring new ideas and using different processes ultimately allows your talent to grow and evolve. My style revolves around the futile attempts at humor and a rather free-flowing vernacular of my thoughts and experiences. I basically use this blog as a way to “manage the mayhem” swirling around in my head. I can honestly say the posts are concocted “spur of the moment” as evident by my lack of structure and strange topics, which rarely seems relatable. Today that will change, if only for one post.

This afternoon I asked a co-worker to provide me with a random topic to blog about. Their response? Brad Pitt.  Being a good sport, I’m going to dive into this challenge head first and hopefully come out the other side unscathed. So without further adieu, here is an entire blog post on William Bradley Pitt.

EDITIOR’S NOTE: I’m not going to delve into the personal life of Brad Pitt for several reasons. A. If you really cared about him that much, go pick up an Us Weekly. B. I’ve always liked Jennifer Aniston over the Homewrecker. Yeah, she might not be as hot but she is NO WHERE near as crazy/creepy. C. I watch movies with Brad Pitt, I don’t stalk his life. Dude is a major talent, but I could care less about where he goes out on Saturday night.

Over the past two decades it’s hard to argue if there’s constantly been a bigger male pop culture phenomenon besides Brad Pitt.  From having several part time jobs that paid for acting lessons to playing small bit roles on random television series to stealing scenes in sleeper hits to being labeled as “a star in the making” then finally becoming a leading man and media money machine he is now a days, Brad Pitt has certainly accomplished more in 20 years than most do in a lifetime. Love him or hate him, Brad was destined to be one of the best.

 I first witnessed Brad Pitt in the 1999 film Fight Club. His performance in this Chuck Palahnuik adaption was beyond anything I had ever seen in film (granted I was 13 at the time). Pitt made a psychotic, criminally insane, and ultimately completely imaginary character not only believable but lovable. Kids in my middle school thought Pitt in Fight Club was the quintessential badass to be. Chain smoking, booze guzzler, doesn’t shower, take gruff from no one and demolish whoever stands in your way, no questions asked man’s man. Plus homeboy was shredded in this particular flick. Let’s be honest here for a second, my man had abs on abs. Any guy who says they didn’t wished they could be that ripped up is a bold face liar, but I digress.

From there, Pitt went on to take a small role with a low budget cast in the remake of Ocean’s Eleven. Jokes aside, when your starring with George Clooney, Julia Roberts, Andy Garcia, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, and the great Elliot Gould you’ve pretty much arrived on the grand scene. After convincing Hollywood that Pitt was ready for the “big time” with Ocean’s Eleven he eventually became an enormous A-list star capable of holding a movie down as a must have “leading man”.  

My senior year of high school was the first taste of “terrible Brad”.  A group of friends and I decided to see Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I’ll spare the details but let’s just say for the first time in my Brad Pitt bromance/love affair I felt cheated. Pitt seemed out of touch with his character (rightfully so, it was later revealed that this was the movie where he stopped being faithful to Jen and started his journey o’crazy with A.J.). Feeling awkward and hurt that I actually didn’t enjoy a movie with Brad Pitt in it, I remember thinking he might have burned out from acting. I decided we needed a break from each other.

It wasn’t until college when something magically happened in the Pitt – Siskind saga. I was introduced to a lot of his earlier work, which I had missed either because I was too young to see the film or too uneducated to fully grasp and understand the plot.  Pitt’s early gigs were  gold mines of genius. My interest in Brad was instantly rekindled. Witnessing such a deep range of acting being portrayed from one human was something I never thought possible.

From slang-talking, Gypsy piker, one-punch knockout machine Mickey O’Neill in Snatch to family oriented, short tempered, steadfast to dedication cop, David Mills in Se7en, and then hilariously stoned Floyd in True Romance it was amazing to see such talent of each role come from the same person.  My favorite Brad Pitt movie revisited had to be 12 Monkeys. Pitt’s Golden Globe Award Winning performance in this film, as a delusional, mentally unstable, resistance leader shows us how detached Pitt can become from himself. Yet it also shows his dedication to acting and proves his willingness to do anything for his craft.

The years of and around college marked a renaissance for Brad in my life. With movies both critically acclaimed as well as box offices hits (The Assassination  of Jesse James, Burn After Reading, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and Inglorious Bastards) it seemed to set up Pitt for the foreseeable future.

He is now set to portray Billy Beane in the upcoming movie adaption of Moneyball and with his production company, Plan B Entertainment, cracking out such hits as The Departed and Kick-Ass, it looks like we could have another two decades of Brad Pitt in the entertainment world. To that I say, amen.

This weekend, I witnessed a phenomenon supremely more entertaining than any other natural occurrence on this wonderful planet.  What am I referring to? The rarely seen, but easily watchable, outdoor verbal domestic dispute. In laments terms, I saw a young couple calmly talking VIOLATELY SCREAMING in the streets of Baltimore (to be more specific, on the corner of Fait and Fleet at approximately 12:30 PM on Saturday June 16^th).

Now look, I’m not naive. I know couples fight, but in most cases the domestic pair usually opt to argue behind closed doors, away from the general public. Sometimes you might overhear small grumblings, but I’ve never seen a civil discussion Heavyweight Title Bout in the open. Needless to say I was a bit intrigued.

Let’s break this biatch down.  Now as I’m walking across the city to meet up with a few college friends, I hear the quick paces of what seems like a pack of stray dogs behind me.  For fear of being attacked I calmly turned around quickly whip my neck over my shoulder to see what’s making all the commotion. My brain is immediately confused because all I see is a well dressed guy in khakis and a polo then behind him a few paces, a short cute brunette wearing a sundress attempting to keep up. The pair is directly across the street from me.

As the muffled sounds begin to grow closer, my ears recognize a few words being shouted. “See, this is why I hate fighting with you, you just walk away from me” says the girl who has now managed to grab hold of the guy’s hand. “Can you just stop and fucking have a conversation with me for once?” she continues. A calm and concise, “Fuck off” is his response. Oh snap. This is going to get good. I slow down my pace because I feel like something interesting is going to happen and I’m fortunate enough to have front row seats.

After a brief pause, with each of them furiously starring at each other, it finally happens….

YOU KNOW WHAT (I couldn’t catch the guy’s name) FUCK OFF. I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. YOU PULL THE SAME SHIT NIGHT IN AND NIGHT OUT AND I’M FUCKING DONE TRYING TO WORK THIS OUT.

This guy looks like he could care less. His eyes are focused on the sun shining down on him rather then this pit bull of a women chewing his ass out in public.

SEE YOU DON’T EVEN REMOTELY CARE, THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT. YOU’RE THE WORST, I’M OVER THIS.  YOU CAN’T EVEN SAY A WORD,  YOUR TOO MUCH OF AN STUBBORN BASTARD.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY, YOU’RE SCREAMING AT HIM LIKE A CRAZY * PERSON.

* This might be the single  worst thing you can tell a women. When you call a women crazy you are signing your own death warrant. You might be able in get away with it in the confines of a closed room with just her but when you make a proclamation like this out in the open, you’re done. Like any other women who just got called “crazy” this girl went into attack mode.

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU AND YOUR TINY DICK. I’M GLAD YOU HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO PLEASE ME IN MONTHS.

Yep. That. Just. Happened. The guy is currently standing against a wall, speechless. I can’t say that I blame him.

SIDENOTE: Before I tell you what happened next, I need to clear the air on the “small wiener” insult. Ladies, this is such a played out tactic. When we’re with you and things are going well, you tell us we are packing a Pringles can in our underwear. Yet once the bad blood starts flowing, all of a sudden we are hung like a light switch.  You realize we pay as much attention to you about our “tool” length as you pay attention to us complaining about the NFL lockout and how it’s going to affect our lives for the next 7 months. Let’s all agree we could care less about both situations.

Ok so at this point homeboy’s got one of two options here. He can call the girl fat , be ready to have his ass served to him by some female fists of fury while forever enduring the backlash of being a complete and utter asshole for eternity . Or accept defeat and try to squash this entire, extremely public, incident. He did the smart thing, pulled the girl in for a hug, and just shook his head. While he technically didn’t concede the battle, he sure as hell didn’t win it.

I’ll never know what started that fiasco but it just struck me as strange. I’ve been in serious relationships and around serious relationships long enough to know in most cases you want to deal with your private affairs, privately. They might have still been drunk/high/pill-ed up from the night before but the fight seemed like it had been brewing for weeks. For whatever reason the situation it came to a head in the streets of Baltimore to prove one thing and one thing only. Relationship fights are insane.

I know it’s been a while, but I figured now would be a good time to clear the air and get back on track with the blogosphere. For those who avidly occasionally read this blog, you’ll know my humor and sarcasm are usually apparent when it comes to my vernacular and subject matter. That being said, today we are going in a different direction. Relax, the next blog post will be back with its normal hilarity.

Life, in my firm belief, doesn’t usually pan out the way you want it to.  I’m sure this is a fact you yourself can relate too. In plain and simple terms, as a human being you’re designed to fail. Not only will you fail, but you will fail on a daily basis. Think I’m wrong? Rewind your day and picture starting off your morning. Did you wake up the second your alarm buzzed? Did you get to work at the exact moment you planned? What about lunch time, did everything go according to  plan? Did you finish the appropriate amount of work off your “To Do List” before you went to eat? Or did you just say “screw it” and finish it later?

 Listen, I get it. The notion that we as a species fail more than we succeed is beyond scary. It’s petrifying. This fact isn’t intended to depress you, actually quite the opposite. I write these words so you can take a step back and truly appreciate your life for what it’s worth. People have a tendency to panic when things aren’t going “to plan” and mentally put unmanageable fears in their heads. We have grown accustom to the word PERFECT and have not only accepted its meaning but embraced the word for what is stands for.  Why? Perfect is as real as unicorns. Who has a “perfect” life? I’m not saying certain people are blessed with an insurmountable amount of wealth, connections, and clout but these things don’t equate to perfection. Even people you deem to have it “too good to be true” most likely walk around with similar issues as yours. They just handle it differently. Trust me, no one in the world is perfect.

The main point I want to highlight is the fact, failure happens. Everyone in this world wakes up one day, looks in the mirror, and knows there are adjustments to be made. When life doesn’t go the way you hoped it did or it seems your world is crumbling around you, do yourself a favor and follow the next sentence.  Take a moment and evaluate how tough you have it. Odds are you’re creating a delusional scenario in your head that you need to fulfill this concept of being “perfect”. I bet the problems starring you in the face are simply issues you have allowed to manifest due to your surroundings. Basically take a deep breath and relax. If things always worked out the way you planned or even half the way you wanted them to how would that make you a stronger person?  Every time you fail, it essentially allows you the ability to build yourself up that much more. Extremely cliché sounding, I know, but true none the less. Take it from someone who fucks up constantly, if every choice I made was correct this world would have some serious issues to fix.  

Try to make a conscience effort to embrace every choice, good or bad from now on. If it happens to be a mistake, note it, learn from it, and move on. People tend to dwell on negative thoughts instead of anticipating them, even though most people expect positive events yet never over analyze their occurrences.  Instead they brush “good things” off as common happenings because they feel the world owes them something. The point being, failure occurs more often than success. This is life. The quicker you figure that out, the quicker you can shake off all the negative and rise above it.

I’m sorry but this matter can’t be neglected any longer, it has officially reached the boiling point. I’m obviously speaking about the fact people still consider mayonnaise to be an actual condiment.  Disgusting.

So why am I choosing to finally write about this topic you ask? Well there was a small altercation I was involved with last night and that is the exact reason of why mayonnaise is getting blown apart today. Read below to get caught up…

SETTING: Kisling’s Tavern on Fleet street. Approximately 7PM on Sunday night. Both JUICEBOX and ROOMMATE are standing in line about to get take out, we fade into the restaurant and watch the pair place their orders.

JUICEBOX: Yeah, um I’ll have the Turkey Club with fries. Could I have the bacon a little crispy and instead of mayo could I please have mustard?

WAITRESS: Sure honey, and what will you have? (turns to ROOMMATE)

ROOMMATE: (Looks shocked at JUICEBOX) Oh, what your too good for mayo is that what it is? I hope you know mayo is an American favorite and besides  you don’t ask to sub mustard instead of mayo, especially not when you order a Turkey Club! The mayo is a staple in that particular sandwich. It be less offensive to just not order the mayo at all instead of subbing in mustard . That’s was a terrorist move you just made my friend.

JUICEBOX: Didn’t realize you felt so strongly about such a third world condiment, I’m sure in your dysfunctional childhood you thought mayonnaise was socially acceptable to eat. The fact is mayonnaise is basically “moron-paste” and you should be ashamed you even use that filth let alone enjoy that horrid concoction.

(Awkward moment of silence where JUICEBOX and ROOMMATE have an intense mental game of chicken eye to eye while patrons of the bar are nervously looking over.)

WAITRESS: So this order is to go?

END SCENE

So the roommate and I decided it wouldn’t be a grand idea to get into an epic shouting match in front of innocent bystanders so we put the discussion on the back burner until we were in the safe confines of our home. The roommate tried, unsuccessfully, to plead his case that mayonnaise is a legit condiment…blah, blah, blah. Finally I get my 2 cents in and it’s curtains.

“Listen” I begin. “Mayonnaise is beyond saving. It’s a putrid mix of eggs, oil, and vinegar and smells literally like a dead horse corpse. Honestly, I think mayonnaise was someone’s horrible prank that got taken too far. First off, have you seen mayonnaise? It just looks like a science fiction disaster. I can just picture a jar of that vile mush sitting out on a table during a hot summer picnic. Bubbling over the top with flies landing on it. What self respecting adult eats that? Your third grade self wouldn’t even touch a mayo and ham sandwich now a days. “

The roommate tries to interject. I’m not having any of it

“No, shut up, you had your turn to speak blasphemy. I’m talking now, it’s time to  listen to logic and reason.” I’m officially on a tangent during this part of the conversation. “The fact is when you say mayonnaise deserves to be put on foods, it actually shows how severely delusional you are. NOTHING goes well with mayonnaise. I would go as far to say that if you substitute mustard with anything made with mayonnaise it would be an instant upgrade. Potato salad, Cole slaw, and BLT sandwiches are INFINATELY better when made with mustard instead of mayonnaise.  Putting mayonnaise on anything is like putting ketchup on steak, which surprisingly I’ve seen you do because you are an idiot. Mayonnaise is the red headed step child of condiments and if this was the early 19^th Century I’d sentence mayonnaise to death by the gallows and send that devil spawn back to hell where it came from! Now don’t say another word because mayonnaise is for fuck heads!”

Ok, so I went a little over board with the last comment but I still stand by my statement. Normally I’d be a little worried about making such a bold case in any argument but since people that still eat mayonnaise are the same people who still use a Hewlett Packard computer with state of the art dial-up modem, I’m not worried about any of them finding this little rant.

Mayonnaise is a condiment much like oatmeal – raisin is a legit cookie (Which is a whole other debate that needs settling. Honestly oatmeal raisin cookies are wanna-be health snacks being pawned off as delicious bakery delights. Nope sorry they are just a culinary fail). Both mayonnaise and oatmeal-rasisin cookies are cheap attempts to be something they clearly are not, they are both posers. This is America, land of the free and home of the brave. I’ll be damned if I stand for any liars, cheats, or especially a poser.  So the next time you think putting some Miracle Whip on that tasty sub sandwich take a step back and think of the Ole Stars and Bars (that’s the American flag for those you can’t keep up) would ask.  “What would a patriot do?” I know you’ll put down that terrible albino looking jelly, pick up a bottle French’s Classic Yellow or French’s Brown mustard and do the right thing. God bless and Viva Team Mustard.